George Carlin on Aging

Josh and I are both turning 30 this year. Thirty. Oy vey.

Hold on, I'm getting a little verklempt.
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: A Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master.


Discuss.



Okay. There. I feel better.


In fact, Josh's birthday is next Tuesday. Mazel Tov, honey buns. Honestly, I can not articulate why I have trepidations about reaching this milestone. I know that age is completely relative. You could be 30 and act like you're 80, or you could be 100 and live like you're 20. Take my dad for example. If you asked him how old he is, he'd probably reply, "I'm 60 years young." His outlook on aging is unlike anyone else I know. Granted, I don't think the man knows how to turn on a computer, but he's not laying around waiting to die, either.

Besides, it's not like 30 is old at all. Especially since it's 2009 and the average life expectancy in our country is 77; not 47, as it was in 1900. I think the biggest reason why I don't want to turn 30 is because it means that I'll no longer be twenty-something. Not to kvetch more than I already have, but because we live in a culture that esteems youthfulness, I just feel like when I turn 30 I'm going to turn into an old yenta and be worth bupkis. There's some Yiddish for you Linda Richman.

Here's what the late George Carlin had to say about aging. I never, ever imagined that I would quote George Carlin on this G-rated blog, but here we go. There's a first for everything!
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George Carlin:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YES!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

another riddle for you

As I'm sure you know, Dora loves riddles. Well, I have another one for you.

Q: How do you know when your clean laundry has been piling up on your bed for too long?

A: When your two year old runs in the room, points to the towering heap and exclaims, "Look! It's tallest mountain!!!"